My Prayer

Have I interpreted wrongly? Or is this broken promise merely the by product of humanities nature to time and time again ruin God's perfectly laid plans for our lives? Am I to fault for this? Did I do something that I was not supposed to? Am I guilty of not doing enough; neglect being my proverbial noose? Or have a followed His words as I believe I have? Was the fulfilment of this promise ever even up to me? For I followed His guidance and still I am here, writing this, thinking even more. I am told that I must call upon the name of the Lord and He will give me peace; I HAVE called upon the Lord and He has answered. Yet  peace is something that I could still use more of. Don't they realize that God never promised we would live easy lives? If anything living as Christ would have us creates more difficulties in our lives. He only promised that we would have the strength through Him to get through anything. I have that strength even now or I would not care enough to write this, let alone still work towards His ends.

As I go through the motions of daily life; it's a lie, I am forced to feign joy for the sake of those around me, how could I think to drag anyone else down with me? I feel as if I have failed Him, He told me something of my future and now the opposite is happening, how is that not my fault? A good friend once told me that God doesn't think twice about the times we fail to follow His commands, that He forgives us, telling us to learn from our mistake and to look for the next opportunity that He presents in our lives. She was right but how can I let go of this? I am reminded daily of how I screwed up what could have been and I don't even know how the outcome could have turned out any differently because I followed His words. How does that make sense? He shows me a little of His future plans, tells me what I need to do to attain this in my life, I follow His guidance and everything turns into a disaster? Am I responsible for that? I followed His guidance. Even now He is saying "don't give up. I have told you what I have planned for you. The pain is worth the end rewards." And even as I write, I see His plan like an old man lying in a hospital bed, rapidly fading from a genetic disease that he had no control over in the first place; and even life support can't hold him much longer. How do you save a man who has already resigned himself to his fate? I am lost. I don't want to carry on, to percevere. I'd rather just walk away from this and never look back, yet I find myself carrying on. I am getting the strength to do His will, despite the fact that I'd rather just become complacent. If it weren't for God telling me to not give this thing up, I would be able to move on and continue to live my life, enjoying myself for days on end. As it is my joy is always interupted just when I am beginning to forget the depth of my pain.

My prayer is that His will be done in not just my life but in the lives around me as well.